Ottawa to remove all street parking spots downtown

Following the success of the segregated bike lanes on Laurier Avenue West and the recent consultations for the planned bike lanes on O’Connor Street, the City of Ottawa has announced their new goal: eliminate all street parking spots downtown.

In a statement released on Monday, city spokesperson Brittany Jones cited unhappy drivers as the primary motivation behind the move, stating “We looked at the amount of money we spent trying to coddle drivers by creating bike lanes; taxpayers would be astonished.” The initiative is said to be a proactive approach for future projects, “It’s easier to get rid of all parking spots in anticipation for future bike lanes,” continued Gordon, “let’s face it, these bikers aren’t going anywhere and we’re not about to hold a public forum every time we have to act on yet another one of their complaints.”

The Street Parking Reduction Plan is expected to begin in the ByWard Market in June 2016, expanding shortly thereafter to Downtown, Centretown, and the Golden Triangle. City officials confirmed an expected increase in revenue from parking tickets, but clarified that this is “not at all related to the municipality’s $41,000,000 deficit for 2015, but the amount of money we’ll get out of reduced consultation expenses and additional parking tickets will certainly help.”

In attempt to further reduce consultation time and costs, future community forums will be held exclusively in areas where parking is not available within a two kilometre radius.

Artisan insurance agency opens in Hintonburg

Ottawa’s trendiest neighbourhood just got a little more hip. Last week a small insurance agency opened up that specializes in rather peculiar kinds of coverage.

“The world is constantly changing,” says Tzipi Rockwell, founder of Artisan Insurance Agency. “We aim to protect people who lead alternative lifestyles; the types of people who push boundaries and live life to the fullest. For years these trendsetters have operated without insurance, but today they can rest easy knowing that they are safe.”

While Ms. Rockwell was vague about what her agency covers, their website lists the following types of coverage:

  • Unforeseen damages to facial hair 
  • Fixed gear bike repair
  • Craft beer hops protection
  • Longboard collision coverage
  • Earlobe reconstruction
  • Ironic tattoo copyright

Refugees agree with Saskatchewan’s Premier

Recently-landed Syrian refugees are thankful for comments made by the Saskatchewan Premier.

In late November, Premier Brad Wall urged the federal government to suspend its plan to bring 25,000 Syrian refugees to Canada by year-end, citing safety and security concerns. Syrian refugees claim to have no issues with Premier Wall’s stance, stating that Saskatchewan is not a suitable destination for refugees…or anyone, for that matter.

“I just fled a desolate wasteland, I’m not looking to relocate to another one,” explained Adnan Ali, who is moving his family of four to Ottawa’s east end. “I’m tired of unlicensed guns, terrible football teams, and being unable to grow anything for my family.”

Many seem to agree with Mr. Ali, hoping to make the best of this new chapter. Ottawans have risen to the occasion, supporting local shelters and family centres to help facilitate refugee settlement in Canada’s capital city.

“I feel blessed to see so much support from the community,” continued Ali, “I’m particularly excited to experience Canadian culture in Ottawa. I already have my RedBlacks jersey. Can you imagine if I had to cheer for the Roughriders? That would have been terrible.”