Category: News

Administrations at both universities have been in discussions about a potential merger to occur in the next few years. The merger is expected to create savings through research synergies and lowering overhead costs.

A source involved in the discussions has informed Ottawhat that the University of Ottawa and Carleton University have been holding confidential focus groups with students and staff to discuss the opportunities and drawbacks of a merger. Some findings from the focus groups include:

1. The challenges of aligning teaching methodologies at the new university;
2. Students and staff would prefer their respective university name to be chosen for the new university and very opposed to the other university name being chosen; and
3. Future applicants will no longer have to stress about to which university they apply.

The source informed Ottawhat that the administrations have been addressing two findings: the name of the new university and how they will to proceed with faculty relocation.

The new university name is scheduled for announcement in 2017/2018. The administrations have created a shortlist of three names for the new university:

• Colonel By University
• University of Canada
• Shopify University

Following announcement of the new university names, campuses will be renamed as follows:

• Carleton University Campus will be renamed to Campus South
• University of Ottawa will be renamed to Campus North
• St. Paul’s University will keep its name

Faculty merger and relocation will occur over a summer in order to minimize learning distractions. The administrations have decided:

• Arts programs will be relocated to Campus North due to the rich history of the Byward market and proximity to museums
• Engineering and will be relocated to Campus South to allow students to study the design of the Trillium O-train line
• The University of Ottawa Law faculty relocation has yet to be decided on, with a decision expected in 2025 after a supreme court challenge

Ottawhat has contacted the student body for comments:

“This is great news! It would be so exciting to re-friend my high school friends who chose Carleton University over University of Ottawa. I miss them, but you know, they go to a different university” – University of Ottawa’s Jean Granger II.

“I have no idea how this will affect my course schedules. I hope I won’t have to travel between both campuses on a bus.” – Carleton University’s Samantha Trudell.

Both administrations declined requests for interviews.

As light-rail construction continues on the O-Train Confederation Line, construction workers have made a miraculous discovery.

Deep underground below the new LRT tunnels, is a complete, perfectly preserved subway system. A network of rails exist below the city, missing only functional locomotives to transport passengers. Technicians are unable to indicate at this time whether the locomotives and cars can be restored.

The subway was found by construction worker Gerry Picci, who was working near the future Lyon Station. “Me and the boys were getting some eating lunch when I thought I’d give the guys a good laugh. Laughing is good for you, y’know? I grabbed the jackhammer and did my best Wile E Coyote impression. I must have gone too far and the ground fell through.” Hours after the discovery, municipal workers were able to map out part of the system, which is believed to extend as far as Carp and Rockland.

Local public servant, Leigh-Anne Sprague, was astonished, “I just can’t believe it! I always heard there were secret underground tunnels, but why wouldn’t someone explore this before taking on this project?” Her grandmother, Glenda, blames former mayor Larry O’Brien, “He knew all along, he must have. I told my Harold that O’Brien was up to something when he cancelled the LRT plans!”

Mr. O’Brien could not be contacted for comment.

As children awaken on Christmas morning, their spirits are buoyed by the thoughts of gifts, chocolate and joy to come. All across Canada, and around the world, good boys and girls are tearing open wrapped presents and celebrating the year that has been.

This year, for the first time in a decade, our nation’s highest office has received a visit from jolly old Saint Nick. Santa opted to pay a visit to the Prime Minister’s Office this year after a convincing victory by Justin Trudeau and the Liberal Party in the fall.

In light of the gender-balanced Cabinet, Canada’s strong participation in the recent climate change summit in Paris, and the un-muzzling of Canada’s scientists, the new PM certainly deserves something special from Santa’s Workshop.

When Stephen Harper first took the office back in 2006, Santa Claus dropped off a lump of coal, apparently after hearing about his plans for the years that were to come. However, Mr. Harper was reportedly overjoyed with what he perceived as a gift from Santa, being from Alberta and all. After that, the man in red decided he wouldn’t be stopping by 24 Sussex for a long while.

Now, Justin and the Trudeau family are currently staying down the street at Rideau Cottage until vital renovations are complete on 24 Sussex, but news that broke this morning will have him eager to return.

Ottawhat can now exclusively report that the living room at the Prime Minister’s permanent residence has been outfitted overnight with a new entertainment centre, complete with an HD projection screen, game consoles, and reclining seats. Mr. Trudeau is overjoyed with the upgrades, and he can’t wait to try it out once renovations on the rest of the house are complete.

In addition, though we cannot confirm at this time, reports coming out of the PMO also say that all traces of asbestos have somehow vanished from the building, which will considerably speed up remaining renovations.