Tag: news

Preparations for St. Patrick’s Day are in full swing, but residents may be surprised with the tone of the event this year. The City of Ottawa has vowed to make the Irish holiday a more sombre, respectful occasion for 2016.

“Previously, St. Patrick’s Day has encouraged binge drinking, hooliganism, and violence,” says Donovan Chong, a senior official from the Department of Arts and Culture, “ This year we will instead commemorate the hard work that the Irish have done in Canada.”

This week’s event will be dramatically different from other St. Patrick’s Days. Most shockingly, all bars and restaurants will be closed for the day, in order to allow people to properly observe the holiday. The day will focus heavily on the history of Irish Canadians. Both Carleton and Ottawa Universities will feature guest lecturers all day, who will speak on issues ranging from immigration to cultural appropriation.

“These changes to St. Patrick’s Day may be unpopular to some, but I think future generations will look back on what we have done and be proud” Donovan asserts, “ I wish you a solemn, thoughtful St. Patrick’s Day.”

Members of the National Capital Vegetarian Association held a demonstration today by the War Memorial to protest the use of the word ‘beaver’ in Beavertails.
                                                                       
Although the winter pastry doesn’t actually contain beaver, eight members of the Vegetarian Association are protesting the insinuation of the term. “We believe using an animal’s name in a dish or food product promotes consumption of flesh,” says spokesperson Nathalie Leek. “For that reason, we suggest the name be changed.” One protester held a sign that read, “fried fritters, not fried critters!”

Jeremy McKinnon, who runs the Beavertail shack in Byward Market, is defensive of the traditional name. “Beavertails have been an Ottawa staple for almost 40 years,” he says. “I don’t see any problem with the name.”

Despite pushback, the Association has started an online petition. So far they have collected 41 signatures. “We’re hoping for 10,000 names,” says Kale Moore, “but it’s really about sending a message and getting people to realize the problem with naming foods after animals.”

The Association has planned another demonstration to protest the name “moose tracks” next Friday outside of The Daily Scoop.

In light of Eugene Melnyk’s recent refusal to sell the Ottawa Senators, Devcore Canderel DLS Group has made a bid to create a new AHL franchise called the Ottawa Parliamentarians, which would be captained by none other than Daniel Alfredsson. In addition to the stick-wielding Swede, the Parliamentarians will also feature other prominent Ottawa Senators, NHL free agents and recently retired players from leagues around the world.

On the right wing for the new Ottawa franchise will be Jaromir Jagr, the ageless Czech wonder who led countless teams to epic Stanley Cup runs in the NHL. To complement the two aforementioned superstars, the left wing will feature former Sens sensation Alexei Yashin, who will be making a highly anticipated return to Ottawa.

The Parliamentarians’ scout was able to track down Yashin, now 42 years old, in Siberia, where he was serving the first year of a 5 year exile. The Ottawa team paid off local officials for his release on the condition that Yashin sign a 4 year contract with the Parliamentarians.

The main defensive pair will be comprised of Henry Burris, who plays football for the Ottawa RedBlacks during the AHL offseason and current Barefax manager Patrick Brazeau. Dion Phaneuf offered to join the team once his contract expires, but the Parliamentarians declined to pick up his contract.

The goaltender will of course be none other than Ray Emery, who’s spent the last year playing in the AHL with other franchises. Some have asked what will happen if Devcore does not win the Lebreton contract, but Jean Pierre Poulin (President) seems confident the team will flourish in Ottawa regardless..