Tag: news

The recent downturn of the oil industry has hit the Canadian economy hard. Thousands of jobs have been lost in Western Canada, while the weak Canadian dollar is creating financial barriers for citizens looking to travel.  Worst of all, some experts are warning that prices will continue to drop.

“Using the data I have collected over the past year, I can confidently confirm that oil prices will reach $0 by February 2018,” says statistician Bill R. Hurst. “I’ve run the numbers myself, several times in fact. If the price of oil continues to drop at the rate it’s going, it will be free in two years.” Mr. Hurst maintains that his model is foolproof, “In fact, if we use it to project even further into the future, you can see that the value of oil will actually extend into the negatives around March 2018. We will actually make money every time we go to fill our tanks!”

Hurst admits that he is uncertain as to the cause of the projected negative value of oil, but he does offer a theory. “As oil becomes less and less valuable, it will actually cost more money to dispose of it than to refine it. There may not be anywhere to put it. Companies will be forced to pay massive dumping fines, and may instead choose to instead pay consumers to take the commodity off their hands.” Bad news for the oil industry, but good news for Canadian commuters.

In an attempt to further increase the hype in Ottawa for Canada’s 150th anniversary, Jim Watson has announced he will marry the year 2017. With a star-studded lineup of events coming next year, Watson’s marriage will surely be one of the highlights.

News breaks nearly every other week with more events being announced to celebrate Canada’s sesquicentennial party. “We just want the whole world to know how excited Canada is to be turning 150,” says Watson. “My marriage to the year 2017 will be one of the things people will remember both about me and about the big one-five-oh.” The celebrations will include Red Bull Crashed Ice, the Junos, the Video Game Awards, a huge fireworks show, an interprovincial picnic on a bridge, an Inspiration Village with art from all over the country, a special Winterlude exhibit, all the music festivals pulling in well-known artists and acts from around the world, and hundreds of smaller community events. Despite all of this, Watson asks “Can they really compare to me marrying the entire year?” This is truly a classic story of boy meets year, boy falls in love with year, boy plans massive national party for year, and they both grow old together.

Ottawhat News spoke with legal expert Henrik Evangelikos about the legality of a man marrying a year. “It’s the first such case I’ve heard of, but according to an old case dated November 8th, 1886, the Supreme Court of Ontario ruled that a man was able to marry his pocket-watch, thereby essentially marrying time.” The marriage to a pocketwatch is said to have raised questions concerning whether he was only married to the watch for the span of time it was operating. “I think with the right judge, Mayor Jim Watson could actually be allowed to marry time, specifically a section of time with the time in question being the year 2017,” explained Evangelikos. “After December 31st 2017, however, he will no longer be allowed to claim a marriage status because the time period in question would no longer exist. He would instead claim widowed status.”

When asked if he was alright about becoming a widower after the end of 2017, a close friend to Watson said, “I think it’s beautiful, getting married knowing that it won’t last forever. He will cherish every day he has with 2017, and he’ll really grow as a person and as a Mayor. Besides, after it’s all over, he’ll have his new train set in 2018 to keep his spirits up.”

The Mayor did not indicate whether he will be buying a ring for 2017 or discuss any details for the wedding.

Earlier this month, members of Quebec’s Cultural Identity Board met to discuss and plan how they could make Quebec’s unique French-Canadian culture more accessible to all citizens, especially new Canadians. The ultimate goal is to make conversational French the only language spoken in Quebec. One method of achieving this goal, as discussed by the board, is to change the “Arrêt” sign to say “Whoa Tabarnak.”

Gatineau Cultural Identity representative, Gilles LeDouche spoke on the issue: “The ‘Arrêt’ sign is a major issue for us here in Quebec. It is a literal translation of the English ‘Stop’ sign. We can’t have the English language creeping in and corrupting our culture,” declared LeDouche. “To replace it, we suggest changing it to say ‘Whoa, Tabarnak’ because how many times have you been driving with your friends in the car and they tell you to ‘Arrêt’? None. They all say ‘Whoa Tabarnak’ if you need to stop and that’s the sort of representation that we want in Quebec.”

The Quebec provincial government estimated the cost of changing the signs to be $6 million, which is less expensive than when KFC was lobbied to change “KFC” to “PFK” in Quebec only.

“The KFC-PFK change is exactly the sort of thing I’m talking about. If [the government] is not going to let us separate, then at least let us name things the way we want them to be named,” says LeDouche. “Casual swearing is part of Quebec’s culture much like smoking and bad driving. We’re also trying to appeal to the newcomers to Quebec. They see a sign saying ‘Whoa Tabarnak’ and maybe they’ll think ‘Quebec is the place for me’.”