Author: Eric Turmelle

Another movement has recently joined the fight against discrimination. The grassroots initiative #BlackLabsMatter has teamed up with local Canine Union 783 to bring awareness regarding discrimination against darker-hair breed dogs. Organizers say Black Labs and similar colored and sized canines are disproportionately ticketed for being off-leash even though studies indicate that all species of dogs go off-leash at roughly identical rates.

A local group of black labs has claimed they have been repeatedly refused access to Ottawa’s most prominent park in the New Edinburgh area, citing poor conditions for larger dogs. This, all while larger breeds such as Golden Retrievers and Yellow Labs played freely in the designated area.

In response to the city’s new discriminatory policies against large, dark-haired dogs, the #BlackLabsMatter protesters have organized a “shit-in” in front of city hall.  The movement has obtained a pair of Mayor Jim Watson’s slippers, and will each take a turn defecating on the slippers as an act of civil disobedience.

Ouain Stunchien, a chocolate lab from Vanier, says “It’s about time something was done to bring awareness to the issue. It’s really nice to see the support we’ve been getting from the rest of the community, especially that of our human life companions.  Dog racism is not dead, so we continue our fight for equality every day.”

Mayor Watson could not be reached to comment on this matter.

In light of Eugene Melnyk’s recent refusal to sell the Ottawa Senators, Devcore Canderel DLS Group has made a bid to create a new AHL franchise called the Ottawa Parliamentarians, which would be captained by none other than Daniel Alfredsson. In addition to the stick-wielding Swede, the Parliamentarians will also feature other prominent Ottawa Senators, NHL free agents and recently retired players from leagues around the world.

On the right wing for the new Ottawa franchise will be Jaromir Jagr, the ageless Czech wonder who led countless teams to epic Stanley Cup runs in the NHL. To complement the two aforementioned superstars, the left wing will feature former Sens sensation Alexei Yashin, who will be making a highly anticipated return to Ottawa.

The Parliamentarians’ scout was able to track down Yashin, now 42 years old, in Siberia, where he was serving the first year of a 5 year exile. The Ottawa team paid off local officials for his release on the condition that Yashin sign a 4 year contract with the Parliamentarians.

The main defensive pair will be comprised of Henry Burris, who plays football for the Ottawa RedBlacks during the AHL offseason and current Barefax manager Patrick Brazeau. Dion Phaneuf offered to join the team once his contract expires, but the Parliamentarians declined to pick up his contract.

The goaltender will of course be none other than Ray Emery, who’s spent the last year playing in the AHL with other franchises. Some have asked what will happen if Devcore does not win the Lebreton contract, but Jean Pierre Poulin (President) seems confident the team will flourish in Ottawa regardless..

As early key indicators suggest, Ottawa’s tourism revenue has dropped significantly this winter compared to last year. Many blame the sudden downturn of tourists due to the unfrozen state of the Rideau Canal. The NCC recently launched a Request for Proposal in order to seek creative solutions to help speed up the process of freezing the body of water.

Earlier today, NCC officials heard a bid to flash-freeze the canal using liquid nitrogen, which has been spearheaded by Cryorink, a Missisauga-based company. Cryorink is represented by a capital investment firm headed by Kevin O’Leary, the former Dragon’s Den star who recently finished with a score of -$2,800 on Jeopardy.

Some claim flash-freezing water using liquid nitrogen creates the best type of ice for skaters, but others have serious safety and environmental concerns. The proposal has received a great deal of criticism from Ottawa residents living near the Canal.

“I’d like to know what Catherine McKenna (Minister of Environment and Climate Change) has to say about this. Was she even consulted?” asked Bill Bostic, an Old Ottawa South resident. “What will happen with the Nitrogen left behind on the ice? Will my children be safe to play on the ice? From what I understand, there will be Nitrogen fumes generated from this process – has anyone researched the effect of Nitrogen on the lungs? I don’t think they’ve examined all the potential pitfalls of this plan.”

“I like the plan,” said Deese Blonuts of the Golden Triangle. “The local compressed fluids business has been struggling these past few years and with the downturn in the loonie, this is exactly the kind of projects that can kickstart an economy.”

One thing is certain: With Winterlude only days away, the NCC will have to act quickly to ensure Ottawa does not lose out on any further tourism revenue.