Facebook Turns to China for Guidance on Fake News Censorship

By: Eric Turmelle

Early this afternoon, Facebook announced details regarding their plan to tackle the fake news problems that have recently surfaced. Some credit Fake News as one of the major contributing factors to Donald Trump’s victory in the U.S. election. During the last few weeks of the campaign, stories such as “Pope Francis Shocks World, Endorses Donald Trump for President” and “FBI Agent Suspected in Hillary Email Leaks Found Dead of Apparent Murder-Suicide” spread like wildfire through social media. The aforementioned stories were not only completely false, but the “source” of the content, the “Denver Guardian” is not even a legitimate news outlet.

Facebook plans to develop an algorithm that will automatically detect Fake News, and remove it from the site before it is even posted. Users will be warned a few times, and then eventually banned from the site if too many repeat offences are detected. Facebook confirmed that it will be partnering up with the Chinese government to develop these algorithms.

“When it comes to content management [censorship], China is light-years ahead of us,” said Facebook president Mark Zuckerberg in a press conference just a few hours ago, “Without their assistance, it would take many years to develop the content control algorithms we are looking for. With their assistance, this will take a mere few months.”

He continued “When users see content posted on Facebook, I want them to be confident it’s the truth. Users should not be expected to verify sources using other sites. Facebook should be the only source of content our users need, and with the help of the Chinese, we can make this a reality.”

While the future of internet censorship in North America is still uncertain, large sites such as Facebook will likely have an influence on others. While it is important to verify sources, censorship should be used with caution, as –CONTENT REDACTED–

CBC to Debut New Reality Show “Keeping Up with the Suzukis” This Fall

By: Eric Turmelle

In an effort to keep up with the recent reality show craze in North America, the CBC stunned the Canadian public this morning with the announcement that a new reality show starring David Suzuki’s family will premiere this fall during primetime.

“It’s about time Canadian broadcasting started connecting with the younger generation,” announced Katherine Wolfgang, senior publicist for the CBC.

This is not the CBC’s first attempt to cater to younger viewers. Previous programs targeted at the demographic include “Mr. D” and “Schitt’s Creek,” however, ratings for these programs have fallen short of expectations to say the least. This seems to have led to CBC executives to up the ante with reality programming.

When asked why the Suzukis were chosen for this pilot project, Ms. Wolfgang explained: “I mean, the choice was very logical when you sit down and think about it. The Suzukis share many striking similarities to their American counterparts – the Kardashians. Both families feature captivating family members that would provide countless hours of reality entertainment, and both Kim and David are famous for their sex tapes, among many other surprising similarities.” Ms. Wolfgang, of course, is referring to Suzuki’s documentary featuring the effect of global warming on the reproductive cycles of Canadian fauna, filmed in 2009.

Whether or not the show will be a success remains to be seen, but one thing is for certain – some of Canada will be watching this fall.

Pokémon Go Feud Between Liberals and Conservatives Goes Too Far

Parliamentarians have jumped on the bandwagon for Nintendo’s new augmented reality game “Pokémon Go.” In the game, players use a mobile app, and wander around real life areas attempting to trap fictional creatures called “Pokémon” in an effort to “catch ’em all.”

What began as friendly competition between the Liberals (who joined the red team) and Conservatives (who joined the blue team), turned ugly this morning. Several Conservative MPs blocked off access to the Peace Tower so that Rona Ambrose could capture a Charizard unopposed. Trudeau reportedly had a stare-down with Ms. Ambrose as she made her way down from the Peace Tower, all while aggressively tapping his right elbow as a display of dominance. Ms. Ambrose seemed unfazed by the Prime Minister’s aggression as she simply shouted “You will never have this, you will never have this!” while pointing to the newly acquired Charizard on her iPhone.  This led to a heated debate on the merits of fire-type Pokémon, as the Liberals have a hefty arsenal of water and rock-types.

Hours later, Thomas Mulcair proclaimed during question period, “Mr. Speaker, we ask that you put a hold on Pokémon Go usage within Parliament indefinitely.  We have submitted a formal request to Nintendo to include a orange team so that the NDP may adequately participate and support its brand. We will not join the yellow team as some have suggested, nobody likes yellow.”

“The Liberals and Conservatives have once again proved they are not competent enough to run a 1337 gym, let alone this country,” continued Mulcair. “Not allowing all parties to participate equally in Pokémon Go goes against the very fabric of our democracy.”

This whole ordeal has left a bitter taste in the majority of Canadians’ mouths, and has many wondering when Parliament will right the ship and get back to pretending to work in more subtle and traditional ways.