Canine Union Lobbies for better Dogparks, More Hydrants

As it has done for the previous 12 years, The Ottawa District Canine Union 783 has submitted their yearly list of suggestions and recommendations to increase canine satisfaction through Ottawa-Carleton area. City Hall considered the group’s recommendations this past Monday. The 2016 list is primarily centered around park quality, fire hydrant density, and Leash Laws.

The group recommends implementing a “pay to play” policy at popular downtown parks. A spokesman for ODCU claims that a 1-2 dollar fee to enter the park would allow for upgrades such as fountains, communal toys, and cover cleanup costs resulting from delinquent dog owners unable to control their canine’s output. Some critics say a “pay to play” policy is a blatant discrimination on dogs with owners unable or unwilling to pay this fee.

The union also calls for a higher fire-hydrant density throughout the downtown core. Some dog’s rights advocates claim that many of the hydrants in the Byward Market are overcrowded and that the cost associated with additional hydrants would be minimal but would result in a noticeable improvement in the quality of life for downtown dogs. Sweden implemented a hydrant enrichment program in the late ‘90s and has noticed staggering increases in canine happiness polls. An unexpected side-effect was a net decrease in fire damage in each year.

Interest groups such as Canines Without Collars have lobbied to pass the controversial “Laxer Leash Law” which would allow working class dogs who serve on a municipal level, such as K-9s, to go leashless in municipal buildings and parks. The proposed law is also expected to include expanded rights for collar selection. Currently, municipal working dogs are entitled to a standard issue collar of a single solid colour of the dog’s choice, excluding fluorescent colours. This new measure would allow fluorescent colours to become available for selection by the service dogs.

Most residents are ecstatic about these changes and wish all the best to the dogs, particularly those that select fluorescent coloured collars. However, local Dion Pantouf does not agree “First we got Lassie wearing a pink collar, next we got Larry wearing a pink scarf…. where do we draw the line?”

City Hall has not made a final decision on the recommendations; however, the Canine Union has made clear that if the City does not comply, things could get ‘ruff’.

Calypso Waterpark Ravaged by Fire

Tragedy stuck Limoges last night as one of the town’s most historic landmarks was set ablaze: Calypso’s Summit Tower.

Police didn’t have to search too long for a suspect after reviewing the security tape, which clearly showed 29 year old Benjamin Stokes speeding off in an empty Shell tanker. After being apprehended, Stokes cited his motivation for setting the inferno as the line for AquaLoops being “too damn long”. Stokes reportedly stood in the line for the ride for 5 hours, only to have the park close as his turn finally arrived. He was denied the chance to drop from the infamous AquaLoops automated hatch.

When asked if he had any regrets about dousing the metal, plastic, and concrete structure with gasoline and then stoking the fire, Benjamin replied “I’d do it again”. Fire fighters managed to put out the blaze at the Summit Tower by turning on all of the rides.

Update: Revelations continue to emerge from the preliminary structural investigation of the toasted tower. Officials now say that the heat from the fire managed to strengthen the fiberglass for each of the Tower’s slides, improving the Tower’s overall safety rating from a sub-par 6/10 to an acceptable 8/10. Calypso plans on re-opening the scorched structure next summer under the pseudonym “Inferno Tower”. On an unrelated note, Calypso plans on increasing admission prices by 10 dollars.