Tag: news

Baptist Church in Westboro Seeks to Change Name

By: Keegan On

Reverend John Raymond has started his day the same way every day for the past 11 years: by dumping the church’s mail into the garbage. For over a decade,  his church has struggled to distance themselves from a similarly named organization based out of Florida.  The American ‘Westboro Baptist Church’ is a religious organization known for their hate speech and severely conservative views on just about everything.

“We receive hundreds of letters and emails a month, mostly horrifying” explains Rev. Raymond. “I’m not sure what’s more disturbing, the messages of outrage sent for that other church or the ones of praise.”  

The Ottawa church has been attempting a rebrand since October 2015, but has been unable to come up with a satisfactory name nearly one year later. Past nominees include “Our Holy Baptizer of Westboro” and “Richmond Road Baptist Church”. The organization is accepting pitches for their new name, which can be submitted through their humble website, www.godhatesbrags.com. 

A Game of Garlic: Ottawa Shawarma Royalty Power Struggle Escalates

Tensions between Ottawa shawarma royalty rose again this week after Shawarma Prince fell victim to yet another drive-by turnipping. This marks the 7th attack on the heir to the shawarma throne this year. In January, 3 Brothers Shawarma changed the meat cone rotating speeds at Shawarma Prince, causing hours of delays. Last month, Mr. Shawarma was caught attempting to steal a secret hummus recipe from the would-be king.

A proclamation from the Shawarma Palace was decreed yesterday, calling for a ceasefire between all restaurants. The Shawarma King himself announced that as his eldest son, “Shawarma Prince will take the throne when it is time.” He also reiterated that any rumours about the illegitimacy of his children are false.

Unfortunately, these claims have been hotly contested by Queen Shawarma, who now resides in Castle Shawarma with New Shawarma King Plus. She insists that Shawarma Prince is not the biological son of Shawarma King, and that the true successor to the throne is Shawarma Prince Gourmet. The Castle Shawarma clan has been garnering support over the last few months, and experts say that Ottawa may be posed for an all out shawarma war.

New Sinkhole Divides Local Sinkhole Cult

By: Mike Holuj

Sunday, October 2nd was a big day in history for Ottawa’s sinkhole-worshipping cult, The Hole Family. Ottawa’s second sinkhole of the year has created a divide within the organization. One side, called The Hole Family (THF), is for the elongation of the construction season, praying to the powers that control it for any interruption and extension. The other side, the Sinkhole’s Justified Witnesses (SJW) only worship sinkholes. Earl Vickers, the leader of the newly formed Sinkhole’s Witness, explains the reasons behind the schism:

“I was at the sinkhole. I saw it happen. I was the one who caused it, but don’t tell anyone that,” says Vickers. “I took it as a sign that we have a lot more control in the affairs of the construction season. I realized that every sinkhole is sacred and no matter how big or small, they all should be praised. If this sinkhole didn’t happen, my season would be ending. Now, I’ll be here for another month at least.” The shift in the new faction’s belief created a stir, says Vickers, “The whole experience caused me to rethink how we did things back in THF. I spoke to Burt, the leader, about it but he didn’t agree with me. He thought I didn’t respect the natural order of things.”

“I told him he didn’t respect the natural order of things,” says Burt Washington, leader of The Hole Family. “They worship the sinkholes. We worship the forces behind construction season. We have a much wider range of praises because anything could extend the season. A big storm, a special project, another LRT stop, and naturally a sinkhole. Those Sinkhole Witnesses are a dark mark on the history of The Hole Family.”

When asked about how the formation of a second construction worker’s cult would impact the construction industry, Jim Watson’s office answered “What, is this like a union thing?”