Santa visits PMO for the first time in a decade

As children awaken on Christmas morning, their spirits are buoyed by the thoughts of gifts, chocolate and joy to come. All across Canada, and around the world, good boys and girls are tearing open wrapped presents and celebrating the year that has been.

This year, for the first time in a decade, our nation’s highest office has received a visit from jolly old Saint Nick. Santa opted to pay a visit to the Prime Minister’s Office this year after a convincing victory by Justin Trudeau and the Liberal Party in the fall.

In light of the gender-balanced Cabinet, Canada’s strong participation in the recent climate change summit in Paris, and the un-muzzling of Canada’s scientists, the new PM certainly deserves something special from Santa’s Workshop.

When Stephen Harper first took the office back in 2006, Santa Claus dropped off a lump of coal, apparently after hearing about his plans for the years that were to come. However, Mr. Harper was reportedly overjoyed with what he perceived as a gift from Santa, being from Alberta and all. After that, the man in red decided he wouldn’t be stopping by 24 Sussex for a long while.

Now, Justin and the Trudeau family are currently staying down the street at Rideau Cottage until vital renovations are complete on 24 Sussex, but news that broke this morning will have him eager to return.

Ottawhat can now exclusively report that the living room at the Prime Minister’s permanent residence has been outfitted overnight with a new entertainment centre, complete with an HD projection screen, game consoles, and reclining seats. Mr. Trudeau is overjoyed with the upgrades, and he can’t wait to try it out once renovations on the rest of the house are complete.

In addition, though we cannot confirm at this time, reports coming out of the PMO also say that all traces of asbestos have somehow vanished from the building, which will considerably speed up remaining renovations.

Ottawa to remove all street parking spots downtown

Following the success of the segregated bike lanes on Laurier Avenue West and the recent consultations for the planned bike lanes on O’Connor Street, the City of Ottawa has announced their new goal: eliminate all street parking spots downtown.

In a statement released on Monday, city spokesperson Brittany Jones cited unhappy drivers as the primary motivation behind the move, stating “We looked at the amount of money we spent trying to coddle drivers by creating bike lanes; taxpayers would be astonished.” The initiative is said to be a proactive approach for future projects, “It’s easier to get rid of all parking spots in anticipation for future bike lanes,” continued Gordon, “let’s face it, these bikers aren’t going anywhere and we’re not about to hold a public forum every time we have to act on yet another one of their complaints.”

The Street Parking Reduction Plan is expected to begin in the ByWard Market in June 2016, expanding shortly thereafter to Downtown, Centretown, and the Golden Triangle. City officials confirmed an expected increase in revenue from parking tickets, but clarified that this is “not at all related to the municipality’s $41,000,000 deficit for 2015, but the amount of money we’ll get out of reduced consultation expenses and additional parking tickets will certainly help.”

In attempt to further reduce consultation time and costs, future community forums will be held exclusively in areas where parking is not available within a two kilometre radius.

Artisan insurance agency opens in Hintonburg

Ottawa’s trendiest neighbourhood just got a little more hip. Last week a small insurance agency opened up that specializes in rather peculiar kinds of coverage.

“The world is constantly changing,” says Tzipi Rockwell, founder of Artisan Insurance Agency. “We aim to protect people who lead alternative lifestyles; the types of people who push boundaries and live life to the fullest. For years these trendsetters have operated without insurance, but today they can rest easy knowing that they are safe.”

While Ms. Rockwell was vague about what her agency covers, their website lists the following types of coverage:

  • Unforeseen damages to facial hair 
  • Fixed gear bike repair
  • Craft beer hops protection
  • Longboard collision coverage
  • Earlobe reconstruction
  • Ironic tattoo copyright