Light Rail to be Completed “Spring 2017…or Late 2017…January 2018 at the Latest”

Yesterday, OC Transpo unveiled its new timeline for the completion of the Light Rail Transit. Ottawans have been clamouring for its construction for years, and the organization has finally announced a firm plan to see the project through.

“Construction on Phase One has already begun,” stated OC Transpo’s Communication Liason Saul Green, “It will probably be done in a few months. Maybe not. Pending on the completion of Phase One, Phase Two will begin 2 to 32 weeks after. Our projected completion date of the entire operation is Spring 2017…or Late 2017…January 2018 at the Latest”. When pressed for further details on the timeline, Mr. Green was unable to elaborate with much certainty.

“The construction process will be as streamlined as possible. There will be digging, of course. Possibly some drilling. Perhaps even a controlled explosion or two. One thing is for sure, and you can quote me on this: Light Rail Transit is coming to Ottawa…probably”.

Shady figures seen tampering with O-Train, sending buses to retirement homes

Many politically-aware groups are going out of their way to encourage everyone to vote today, but at least one shady organization is making persistent attempts to dissuade potential voters from filling out their ballots.

While companies like the highly controversial Uber has promised to pick up new riders and take them to polling stations today in Canada, not everybody is being so democratic. A group of secretive figures were seen early this morning at O-Train stations, identified only by their long, blue cloaks. Shortly after the party left the station in a van, service was suspended, around 6 AM. While service has since been restored to the line, technicians say they were lucky to get the system restored so quickly.

Later this morning, blue buses were seen parked in front of retirement residences, where drivers were seen encouraging residents to board to be taken to polling stations once they opened. When asked if anyone would be able to use these voting shuttles, more men in dark blue coats emerged to say that anybody under 40 or planning on voting Liberal or NDP would not be allowed aboard.

Between these and the other illicit tactics used by political groups throughout this campaign period, it is as vital as ever that voters, especially younger people, carry out their democratic duties, and vote! If you don’t already know how to do that, head to and find out more.

NDP Volunteers Take to Beachcombing to Fund Campaign Promises

Dozens of NDP volunteers have been spotted beachcombing near Blanchet Beach in Gatineau, according to an anonymous lifeguard.

The source claims that last week around 7am, a faded yellow school bus parked in front of Blanchet beach, and a dozen seemingly reluctant volunteers in orange and green swim trunks left the vehicle. The possible leaders, two men wearing business jackets tucked into their jeans, exited the bus—one of them holding a bag labelled “Mulcombs,” and the other holding a box labelled “Mulberries.”

The lifeguard (who ate his I.D. the moment I identified myself as press) was not aware of any group coming to visit the beach that morning; and was surprised as they proceeded to investigate surreptiously around the entire area.

“It didn’t look like beachcombing at all — none of them had that long, metal gun that farts sound into the sand.  All they had were big magnets, and a rake. I guess they didn’t bring enough magnets because two people had to share the rake,” shouted the lifeguard.

The atmosphere became more hostile when volunteers began to complain of dehydration and “rake fatigue”. One of the leaders became irate and began throwing berries aggressively in the air, disturbing the volunteers, and immediately went back to work.

“He was dead silent when he threw them – I’ve never been so scared that early in the morning.”

Shortly after 11 that morning, with only three dollars in change and a broken rake, the entire crew trudged back on the bus and left the beach.