Category: Ottawhat

Ottawans rejoiced this week as the Kent Street section of the 417 Queensway was replaced at the end of October, as promised. While the news comes as relief to many, others have been devastated by the concise construction.

“We’ve lived under that bridge for the past 9 years” sobbed Grak, a local troll who woke up that morning to the sound of jackhammers. “My girlfriend and I don’t have cable, we had no idea this was happening.” The family narrowly escaped the construction, and has lodged a complaint with the City. They have not received word back yet.

Grak, Mong, and their two daughters are now homeless, and have no family in Ottawa to rely on. They now must find a new place to live. “With housing prices being what they are, we can’t afford to live anywhere else. That bridge was all that we could afford. I’m a floor manager at a call centre, and Mong is on disability because of her hystrollectomy. With our financial situation, we may have to move to Renfrew.”

Ottawa Police are warning residents to remain vigilant as they investigate reports of several cougar sightings from this past weekend. The city received multiple calls on Friday and Saturday night, reporting that cougars were seen outside establishments such as Crazyhorse in Kanata, and Maxwell’s on Elgin Street.

“People should absolutely be careful” says Nick Reynolds, a biology professor from the Carleton University, “Cougars are wild, unpredictable creatures. They are nocturnal predators who look for loud, densely populated places to hunt. For your own safety, you should stay away from these types of places, and avoid products like Axe body spray, trucker hats, or anything that says “YOLO” on it.”

While no victims have been confirmed, Ottawa Police are looking for assistance in their investigation. Anyone who has seen or been approached by a cougar is asked to contact [email protected].