Liberals Table Plan to Replace Troubled Phoenix System with Random Number Generator

Tensions have been steadily rising over the last few years as the cost for the new Phoenix Pay System has ballooned out of control. The centralized system designed to compensate public servants is now expected to cost over half a billion dollars to fix. This week, however, the Liberal government is proposing a bold new system that will solve all of their problems: a random number generator.

Carla Qualtrough, Minister of Public Services and Procurement, sat down with us late last night to discuss this bold new plan.  

“It’s a very sophisticated system.” said Qualtrough, “it takes into account seniority, job type, bureaucracy rating as well as many other factors to generate a probable range of pay and then randomly selects a number from that range.”  A system like this would be the first of its kind for any government – municipal, provincial, federal and even international.

“People were upset about letting the HR personnel go.  The good news is that they are all back and working harder and more inefficiently than ever.  They are indeed performing the highest level of public service possible! The amount of new jobs that Phoenix has created has been staggering. Of course, we have no way of knowing if or how the new hires will be compensated.

When asked about why the government cannot simply pay employees according to an agreed-upon salary, Qualtrough commented: “We’ve looked into this option extensively, it’s just not feasible in the long term”.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.