Toddler Fined for Not Having Building Permit for Sandcastle

An Ottawa boy has been issued a $65 ticket after it was discovered that he had been building sandcastles without any form of permit or licence. The child and his family took a day trip to Constance Bay on Saturday, where he began creating structures out of sand and water almost immediately. After a few hours, a passing woman informed the boy that what he was doing was illegal, as the sand didn’t belong to him. Ottawa by-law arrived on the scene shortly afterwards.

“He makes castles all the time at home,” says Rachel Lanette, the boy’s mother. “I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but the by-law officers told us that we would have to take down the sandcastles and leave.”

The officers explained to the boy’s parents that the part of the beach they were sitting on was city property, and that any development on city land must be prefaced with the proper permits. After a heated argument, the family left the beach, and is now considering taking legal action. The incident comes days after the National Capital Commission forced a pair of young girls to close their lemonade stand, and marks a concerning trend in law “enforcement”.

The boy who started it all has been notably silent in the whole affair, and has declined all interview requests. While not wishing to discuss the legality of these issues, he did release a statement at a press conference last night, stating “they [by-law] are poop.”

Bylaw Officers Caught Running After-Hours Raves

By: Mike Holuj
On February 28, 2016, Ottawa Police announced that they would no longer be responding to noise complaints between the hours of 2 and 6 a.m. which left a void in noise complaint coverage as bylaw officers end their shifts at 2 a.m. Last week several bylaw officers were busted running an after-hours rave ring.

The arresting officer, Blades McCoy, happened to be walking home at 4 a.m. from a late night out with friends when he happened upon Dundonald park. It was there where he found 15 intoxicated off-duty bylaw officers dancing, singing, drinking, and blowing vuvuzelas.

“I was walking down Somerset when I heard LMFAO’s ‘Party Rock Anthem’ which told me something was seriously wrong. Nobody except out of touch adults listen to that song anymore,” says McCoy. “I called the police because even though there were some serious noise violations, there were also many cases of public intoxication. I normally would have left the issue alone, but I really hate LMFAO.”

The leader of the rave ring, Dominic Posada-Diaz, offered a response to the incident: “We found the perfect loophole. Nobody takes noise complains after 2:00am so we started going out to Dundonald Park to relax after our late shifts ended. Someone once brought music and then it snowballed from there. We deeply apologize to the city for betraying their trust. We will be quieter next time.”

The city has not made any indication of changing the rules to close the loophole.

#BlackLabsMatter Movement Protests Discrimination in Local Parks

Another movement has recently joined the fight against discrimination. The grassroots initiative #BlackLabsMatter has teamed up with local Canine Union 783 to bring awareness regarding discrimination against darker-hair breed dogs. Organizers say Black Labs and similar colored and sized canines are disproportionately ticketed for being off-leash even though studies indicate that all species of dogs go off-leash at roughly identical rates.

A local group of black labs has claimed they have been repeatedly refused access to Ottawa’s most prominent park in the New Edinburgh area, citing poor conditions for larger dogs. This, all while larger breeds such as Golden Retrievers and Yellow Labs played freely in the designated area.

In response to the city’s new discriminatory policies against large, dark-haired dogs, the #BlackLabsMatter protesters have organized a “shit-in” in front of city hall.  The movement has obtained a pair of Mayor Jim Watson’s slippers, and will each take a turn defecating on the slippers as an act of civil disobedience.

Ouain Stunchien, a chocolate lab from Vanier, says “It’s about time something was done to bring awareness to the issue. It’s really nice to see the support we’ve been getting from the rest of the community, especially that of our human life companions.  Dog racism is not dead, so we continue our fight for equality every day.”

Mayor Watson could not be reached to comment on this matter.