Category: News

As the journey towards marijuana legalization continues, PM Justin Trudeau is faced with a hard question: what will Canadians do once they’ve smoked up? Earlier this week, Mr. Trudeau created the cabinet position of Minister of Munchies and Chill and appointed Marcus J Greene of Vancouver to handle all issues related to being stoned in Canada.

“As marijuana comes closer to being legalized, we’re working hard to create services for people to use while high,” says Greene. “We’ve got teams in every province getting stoned and compiling a list of their favourite things to do, and from our research so far we’ve found that doing pretty much anything is immensely enjoyable when you are toking.”

“How many times you been having a session with the boys and your lighter gets stolen? That’s going to be a federal crime under omnibus Bill C-420,” says Greene. Also included in the bill, personally authored by Greene, is a list titled “Totally Awesome Songs to Listen to”. It is simply a tracklist for Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”.

“We want a bean bag chair on every street corner, man,” says Greene. “We also want to make it legal to use Doritos as currency, but only when buying more Doritos.”

“Seriously man,” states a placated Greene, “you ever just go out and lamp in a field and watch the clouds? You ever been chilling with the guys and had a really great chat about life? That’s the sort of experience I want to bring to Canada. My staff and I are going to work our hardest on managing all issues related to chilling and snacking while high. Right after I pack this bowl.”

The Museum of Science and Technology closed in September 2014 after maintenance workers discovered asbestos, serious problems with the roof, and high levels of airborne mould. Currently, plans are underway to complete extensive renovations, expected to cost in the range of $80 million. However, a new discovery has got local scientists very excited: the museum has been hosting a brand new species of mould.

Sixteen months after this original discovery, researchers have completed their analysis of the strains of mould recovered from the building, including a new species which could change plans for the museum. An application has been submitted to cancel renovations and instead simply preserve the area to study the large culture of Aspergillus scitecharus.

“We’re talking about a freaking bakery here,” says Fazil Hassan, Professor of Microbiology at Carleton University, “let’s not pretend it was a museum in the first place. When the best exhibit in the museum is a ‘crazy kitchen’, you need to reconsider your priorities. Just give the space to us and it’ll immediately have more to do with science than ever before.”

Harsh words from a passionate scientist.

With the Museum of Nature selling out its monthly “Nature Nocturne” event yet again, the Canadian War Museum has decided to host a similar evening of drinking and dancing.

“Drunk Tank” promises to be an all night party, and features drink specials on molotov cocktails, B52s, and Sex on the Juno Beaches. Patrons will groove to the relentless beats of Minister of National Defence Harjit Sajjan, who will guest DJ the inaugural event. The museum will also offer a VIP lounge that is designed as a scale replica of Vimy Ridge, where VIP guests will receive further discounts on rounds of shots and Irish car bombs.

Early reactions to the announced event are mixed. While some welcome a new event in Ottawa, others call the affair “tasteless” and “immeasurably insensitive.” Besides the aforementioned war puns for the event, the museum’s Hall of Heroes will be converted into a coat check for the evening.