Tag: news

Ottawa Tool Library Debuts New Mascot: Gary the Library Tool

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By: Keegan On

The Ottawa Tool Library, a nonprofit that allows residents to borrow a variety of equipment, unveiled their new mascot yesterday. What was once simply two crossed hammers is now an actual person: Terry the Tool.

“We are very excited to be working with Terry the Tool,” says Lauren Henley, Executive Director of the Ottawa Tool Library, “He’s energetic, enthusiastic, and will do a great job promoting our organization in the community”. Although Ms. Henley was very open to talking about the Tool Library, she seemed reluctant to elaborate on the origins of Terry the Tool, his qualifications, or how he came to get the position. Terry, however, was much more forthcoming.

“Lauren’s my big sis. Mom made her give me this job.” says Terry the Tool, “I never had a job before, so this is cool. Well, I delivered newspapers for a week, but they got mad when I delivered the paper to the same house a hundred times. Now I get to hold a hammer. No power tools, Mom says, so just a hammer for now. You should come to the Oshawa Tooth Library, I’ll get you a hammer”.

Calypso Waterpark Ravaged by Fire

By: Eric Turmelle

Tragedy stuck Limoges last night as one of the town’s most historic landmarks was set ablaze: Calypso’s Summit Tower.

Police didn’t have to search too long for a suspect after reviewing the security tape, which clearly showed 29 year old Benjamin Stokes speeding off in an empty Shell tanker. After being apprehended, Stokes cited his motivation for setting the inferno as the line for AquaLoops being “too damn long”. Stokes reportedly stood in the line for the ride for 5 hours, only to have the park close as his turn finally arrived. He was denied the chance to drop from the infamous AquaLoops automated hatch.

When asked if he had any regrets about dousing the metal, plastic, and concrete structure with gasoline and then stoking the fire, Benjamin replied “I’d do it again”. Fire fighters managed to put out the blaze at the Summit Tower by turning on all of the rides.

Update: Revelations continue to emerge from the preliminary structural investigation of the toasted tower. Officials now say that the heat from the fire managed to strengthen the fiberglass for each of the Tower’s slides, improving the Tower’s overall safety rating from a sub-par 6/10 to an acceptable 8/10. Calypso plans on re-opening the scorched structure next summer under the pseudonym “Inferno Tower”. On an unrelated note, Calypso plans on increasing admission prices by 10 dollars.

Drinking Local Organic Beer Still Makes You Fat: Study

By: Keegan On

The “localvore” movement is alive and well in Ottawa, as demonstrated by the popularity of stores like Whole Foods and the rise of farmers markets. Many restaurants boast locally sourced meats on their menus. Organic, local foods are supposed to be fresher, more nutritious, and generally better than average food. A new study out of the University of Ottawa, however, argues that this may not always be the case.

Dr. Moustaffa Aled, a Nutrition Sciences professor at uOttawa, conducted an experiment over 6 months, where he asked 34 people to drink local, organic beer. At the same time, he had another group drinking a variety of generic beer. The results were shocking. After half a year, members of the local group gained an average of 16.3 pounds, while the generic group gained nearly the same amount.
“It’s astounding” says Dr. Aled, “Ottawans have been told that eating local, organic food is the way to better health, and we have found that in the case of beer, it simply isn’t true.”
Beyond the Pale could not be reached for a statement.