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Trump Representatives Disappointed with Lack of Walls in Eastern Ontario

By: Eric Turmelle

As the President-Elect prepares to take office, he has taken the first step in delivering on his campaign promise of constructing a 40 foot tall, 1,000 mile long precast concrete Mexican border wall. Trump has created a task force to determine what this wall would cost the American taxpayer. After performing some preliminary calculations, it became evident that there was no way this concrete structure could be built for under 21 billion dollars, more than double the amount the Donald had predicted during his campaign.

The task force, primarily comprised of material science deniers, set forth to find more cost effective materials that could potentially be used for the wall construction. They left no stone unturned: they looked at “stone, clay, and many others,” they assured Ottawhat? News. Some members of the task force even travelled to Berlin to confirm the infeasibility of that wall. It was noted, however, that they did not travel to China. The President-Elect was adamant that he did not want a solution “made in CHIIIINA.” With the need to think outside the box, combined with warnings not to look overseas for any further help or ideas, researchers stumbled upon a google search hinting that there may a novel solution being implemented just hours north of the border, and a mere hour away from Ottawa.

The group undertook two weeks’ worth of research, and a very expensive trip to Eastern Ontario. When all was said and done, the task force was very disappointed to find out there was in fact no wall made of corn in Cornwall. A pilot project to test the idea of a corn wall could be arranged, however, this would take months, and the future president wanted to begin construction on the wall immediately after his inauguration. News of the task force’s failures were leaked to the satire news media this morning.

Trump, who received criticism from both Republicans and Democrats for rising costs of the wall task force took to twitter last night: “Those Snow Mexicans think they’re so smart with their deliberately misleading town names. Let me tell you something, I don’t think it’s funny. They think breaking NAFTA is going to be a big deal. Wait until they see what I got in store for them! The “corn wall” may be a reality soon enough. I’m thinking we may need one North of the border after all, and I got news for them, they’re going to pay for it!”

While the future of Trump’s “corn wall” remains uncertain, one thing is crystal clear: Cornwall is a disappointing place for anyone to visit.

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Facebook Turns to China for Guidance on Fake News Censorship

By: Eric Turmelle



Early this afternoon, Facebook announced details regarding their plan to tackle the fake news problems that have recently surfaced. Some credit Fake News as one of the major contributing factors to Donald Trump’s victory in the U.S. election. During the last few weeks of the campaign, stories such as “Pope Francis Shocks World, Endorses Donald Trump for President” and “FBI Agent Suspected in Hillary Email Leaks Found Dead of Apparent Murder-Suicide” spread like wildfire through social media. The aforementioned stories were not only completely false, but the “source” of the content, the “Denver Guardian” is not even a legitimate news outlet.


Facebook plans to develop an algorithm that will automatically detect Fake News, and remove it from the site before it is even posted. Users will be warned a few times, and then eventually banned from the site if too many repeat offences are detected. Facebook confirmed that it will be partnering up with the Chinese government to develop these algorithms.


“When it comes to content management [censorship], China is light-years ahead of us,” said Facebook president Mark Zuckerberg in a press conference just a few hours ago, “Without their assistance, it would take many years to develop the content control algorithms we are looking for. With their assistance, this will take a mere few months.”


He continued “When users see content posted on Facebook, I want them to be confident it’s the truth. Users should not be expected to verify sources using other sites. Facebook should be the only source of content our users need, and with the help of the Chinese, we can make this a reality.”

While the future of internet censorship in North America is still uncertain, large sites such as Facebook will likely have an influence on others. While it is important to verify sources, censorship should be used with caution, as –CONTENT REDACTED–
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Baptist Church in Westboro Seeks to Change Name

By: Keegan On

Reverend John Raymond has started his day the same way every day for the past 11 years: by dumping the church’s mail into the garbage. For over a decade,  his church has struggled to distance themselves from a similarly named organization based out of Florida.  The American ‘Westboro Baptist Church’ is a religious organization known for their hate speech and severely conservative views on just about everything.

“We receive hundreds of letters and emails a month, mostly horrifying” explains Rev. Raymond. “I’m not sure what’s more disturbing, the messages of outrage sent for that other church or the ones of praise.”  

The Ottawa church has been attempting a rebrand since October 2015, but has been unable to come up with a satisfactory name nearly one year later. Past nominees include “Our Holy Baptizer of Westboro” and “Richmond Road Baptist Church”. The organization is accepting pitches for their new name, which can be submitted through their humble website, www.godhatesbrags.com.