Author: Mike Holuj

Economists all across Canada are shocked at the recent gains the Canadian Tire Dollar (CTD) is making, specifically when compared to the performance of the Canadian Dollar (CAD). The Canadian Dollar, (at the time of writing) sits at $0.73 USD, but the Canadian Tire Dollar has risen from $0.08 USD to $0.86 USD making it more valuable than the actual Canadian Dollar.

Martin Glansberg, an Ottawa economist specializing in alternate currencies says, “It’s truly amazing seeing the CTD beat out the CAD by almost 18%. It’s the biggest gain in alternate currency in one year than I’ve seen in my whole life. The CTD has been significantly less valuable than the CAD since its introduction to the market in 1958, and the way the market has been behaving lately, it’s no wonder that an alternate Canadian currency is beginning to take the lead.”

It is not currently known whether American markets will accept Canadian Tire money, however in Canada it can be used in place of Canadian dollars at all Canadian Tire locations.

To adapt to the rise in their currency’s value, Canadian Tire has begun to expand their variety of products from home and automobile equipment to many other items such as food, clothing, and are considering breaking into the real estate market.

“Look, with our dollar doing better than the actual Canadian Dollar, we’ve got to adapt fast or else we’ll be left behind. With enough work, we can make the Canadian Tire Dollar the new leading Canadian currency,” says James West, owner of Nepean’s Canadian Tire. “I can’t believe we were giving this away, it used to be something like 10% of the change you got back was CTD, but now, no way. We’re setting up currency conversion stations at the entrance to every store so we can start distributing more of our dollars. We’re even considering minting higher denominations of currency.”

Previously, the CTD was divided into bills of 5¢, 10¢, 25¢, 50¢, $1, and $2, but the store chain is considering releasing $5, $10, $20, $50, and $100 bills. “We can’t be certain on the future of this new currency, but we’ll see how the market behaves,” says West.

Reports also indicate that Walmart is considering launching an alternative currency, Wally Dollars (WAD), to compete with the CTD.

Carleton University recently obtained a building permit to create yet another residence building. The new structure boasts a higher student capacity, despite its smaller size.

In 2011, Carleton University opened Lennox & Addington residence buildings, which saw students packed together in small rooms. There was room for two beds, two desks, a sink, small closet, and a shared bathroom with another room. In total, its capacity is 717 students. The goal this year is to find a way to fit 1,000 new students into a building normally meant for 500.

“We’re using bunk beds to fit four people into a room smaller than what we built in 2011 with Lennox & Addington,” says Alessandro DiMillo, the chief architect. “We’re trying a new system for the bathroom. Two toilets and two shower heads,  back to back for privacy, of course. We want to meet our goal of having literally the smallest rooms we’re allowed to build while also providing some privacy to students. Compromise and all that, you know?”

In an effort to further save space, the building is being designed with actual paper for walls. “Every inch counts, which is why we’re having four rooms share a bathroom,” says DiMillo.

The residence building, tentatively named Sardinia, is set to open in September 2017 but construction won’t finish until sometime in 2018.

As the journey towards marijuana legalization continues, PM Justin Trudeau is faced with a hard question: what will Canadians do once they’ve smoked up? Earlier this week, Mr. Trudeau created the cabinet position of Minister of Munchies and Chill and appointed Marcus J Greene of Vancouver to handle all issues related to being stoned in Canada.

“As marijuana comes closer to being legalized, we’re working hard to create services for people to use while high,” says Greene. “We’ve got teams in every province getting stoned and compiling a list of their favourite things to do, and from our research so far we’ve found that doing pretty much anything is immensely enjoyable when you are toking.”

“How many times you been having a session with the boys and your lighter gets stolen? That’s going to be a federal crime under omnibus Bill C-420,” says Greene. Also included in the bill, personally authored by Greene, is a list titled “Totally Awesome Songs to Listen to”. It is simply a tracklist for Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”.

“We want a bean bag chair on every street corner, man,” says Greene. “We also want to make it legal to use Doritos as currency, but only when buying more Doritos.”

“Seriously man,” states a placated Greene, “you ever just go out and lamp in a field and watch the clouds? You ever been chilling with the guys and had a really great chat about life? That’s the sort of experience I want to bring to Canada. My staff and I are going to work our hardest on managing all issues related to chilling and snacking while high. Right after I pack this bowl.”