New Sinkhole Divides Local Sinkhole Cult

By: Mike Holuj

Sunday, October 2nd was a big day in history for Ottawa’s sinkhole-worshipping cult, The Hole Family. Ottawa’s second sinkhole of the year has created a divide within the organization. One side, called The Hole Family (THF), is for the elongation of the construction season, praying to the powers that control it for any interruption and extension. The other side, the Sinkhole’s Justified Witnesses (SJW) only worship sinkholes. Earl Vickers, the leader of the newly formed Sinkhole’s Witness, explains the reasons behind the schism:

“I was at the sinkhole. I saw it happen. I was the one who caused it, but don’t tell anyone that,” says Vickers. “I took it as a sign that we have a lot more control in the affairs of the construction season. I realized that every sinkhole is sacred and no matter how big or small, they all should be praised. If this sinkhole didn’t happen, my season would be ending. Now, I’ll be here for another month at least.” The shift in the new faction’s belief created a stir, says Vickers, “The whole experience caused me to rethink how we did things back in THF. I spoke to Burt, the leader, about it but he didn’t agree with me. He thought I didn’t respect the natural order of things.”

“I told him he didn’t respect the natural order of things,” says Burt Washington, leader of The Hole Family. “They worship the sinkholes. We worship the forces behind construction season. We have a much wider range of praises because anything could extend the season. A big storm, a special project, another LRT stop, and naturally a sinkhole. Those Sinkhole Witnesses are a dark mark on the history of The Hole Family.”

When asked about how the formation of a second construction worker’s cult would impact the construction industry, Jim Watson’s office answered “What, is this like a union thing?”

Trans Canada trail not inclusive enough says LGBTQQIP2SAA community

By: Mike Holuj

Canada’s largest network of recreational trails, the Trans Canada Trail, is under harsh scrutiny from the LGBTQQIP2SAA community for not being inclusive enough. The long-named community, which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Pansexual, 2-Spirited, Asexual, Allies, and shall henceforth be written as LGBTQ+, said in a press release that the Trans Canada Trail is, by name, not inclusive of other sexual orientations. Improvements should be made to the name of the trail to be more inclusive.

“We find the name quite problematic,” says Shirley Glasper, VP of communications for the Canadian LGBTQ+ Society. “It’s great that strides are being made to include transgendered people into the naming of locations of the country, however in naming the trail the Trans Canada Trail, it excludes people who are elsewhere on the sexuality spectrum. We are lobbying the government to rename it the LGBQTrans+ Canada Trail which includes reference to all orientations. That way, nobody feels left out.”

The motion to rename the Trans Canada Trail has created a large divide in Canadians, pitting those who believe this is an issue against those who didn’t even know it was an issue. Dan Mortimer, trail naming specialist, says “No, I told you I was a wildlife specialist along the trails, I have nothing to do with how trails get named. I can’t change the name of the trail. ‘Trans Canada’ just means ‘Across Canada’ and has nothing to do with LGBTQ rights. How is this an issue?”

Those in the Trans* community were delighted to discover a nationwide safe space, but did also press that other members of the LGBTQ+ community should be included in said space.

PM Justin Trudeau was unable to comment on the issue, due to his ongoing coast-to-coast Pride Day tour.

Residents Still Refuse to Say City Folk

By: Mike Holuj

With FolkFest around the corner, Mark Monahan and his marketing team are gearing up for the most aggressive rebranding campaign the city has ever seen. Since renaming the festival to “CityFolk” and relocating to Lansdowne Park for the 2015 season, Ottawa citizens have been slow on the uptake for the new name.

Folk superfan and beard enthusiast Robin Beam certainly seems to question the change. “I leave my log cabin every September for FolkFest, but since they changed the name to CityFolk, I’m not so sure anymore,” says Beam. “We’ve got BluesFest, JazzFest, ChamberFest, GreekFest, and we used to have FolkFest. It’s like FolkFest left the Fest family, and it makes the folk fans sad. No one calls it CityFolk. It’s an awkward name. FolkFest rolls off the tongue because of the alliteration. I think people will be calling it FolkFest for years to come until Mark loses his power as the Festival King.”
Monahan is adamant that “Cityfolk” is the permanent new name of the folk festival in Ottawa. His marketing campaign includes posters and signs literally everywhere, mail ads, bus stop ads, radio ads, television ads, and even skywriting. The festival also comes with the horrible named local musician showcase “Marvest”, which Mark insists is a clever portmanteau of “musical” and “harvest”, but in actuality is just a horrible name.
In the words of Mean Girls’ Regina George, “Stop trying to make [CityFolk] happen. It’s not going to happen.”